I find myself wondering if anyone really knows what is going on inside the person they think they know the best? I am a pretty private person, at least concerning those things that are closest to my heart. I have a hard time sharing my worries, fears and pains with others. If it concerns someone that I love I will broadcast their need to the world if I thought it would help them get through. That isn't to say I am going to go around sharing secrets or confidences but if someone is hurting I want to do all I can to help them get through it.
Yet, I find myself keeping all of those feelings I try to get out of others bottled up and buried as deep as I can get them. I don't cry often anymore. When I was little I was probably the biggest cry baby on the planet but now it is rare that you see tears fall. If I do cry I tend to do it in private and then I stop myself as quickly as possible, so noone knows. I don't know why I hold it back, because the few times that I let the waterworks flow I feel so much better. I guess I just don't want others to be burdened with my problems.
I have a lot of fears, some rational others extremely irrational. I think one of my biggest fears at this point in my life is the fear of losing my husband and having to face the future raising our children alone. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years. I have no real training or skills to get a good job to care for our children. If I were in that position I would have to go back to school and work. What would I do with my kids? I love being a mom who gets to stay home. Even when they drive me the craziest, I wouldn't trade being able to be there for the everyday moments that we get to share.
Terry has diabetes and even though right now it is under control my fears surface every time his blood sugar rises or plummets. My first thought is, what am I going to do if he is no longer here. I fear because there are times when he doesn't do what he knows he should to take care of himself. He fluctuates really. There are times when he is trying to eat right, get exercise and stay as healthy as possible. Then there are other times when he just lets it all go and those are the times when I am living in constant fear.
Terry is a good man who works hard for our family and yet sometimes I wonder if he realizes that if his health falls apart it doesn't effect just him. Our whole family pays the consequences and I just wish I knew how to get him to understand how much that weighs on my mind. Whenever I go to try and say something I just can't find the words. I am praying to find a way but often I just don't know how to approach the issue.
How do you tell the person that you love the most you are terrified of being alone?!
