It is Okay to NOT be Okay

It is no secret that one of the biggest challenges I face in my life is a constant battle with depression.
When I was going through my darkest time, during the two and a half years after the birth of my daughter, I was locked in a daily internal struggle.  I didn't feel like I was good enough and I didn't allow myself to show that I was feeling anything other than happy.  I thought I always had to be strong and never show my true emotions.  Showing those emotions meant I was weak and meant there was something wrong with me.  That is the world I was trapped in.

True, that time was over 5 years ago, but the battle continues for me daily.  Each and every day I have to remind myself that I am worth it, that it is okay to ask for help, and most of all, it is okay to let others know that I feel something other than happy all the time.

I have a pretty great life.  I was raised by two amazing parents.  I have wonderful siblings and in-laws who help bring balance and perspective into my life.  I have been blessed with the most amazing husband in the world and 6 spectacular children (1 of whom watches us from heaven).  Also, the greatest nieces and nephews a woman could ask for!  I have been taught from the day I was born about God's love for me and how beautiful the knowledge of eternal families is.  Yes, I have a really great life. 

One thing I learned after I came out of that dark time in my life is that it is okay to NOT be okay.  Even though overall life is pretty great and I have all these amazing blessings, it is okay to have a down day.  When I allow myself a day of being sad because my husband had to leave town for a week for work, I am able to pull myself together after a reasonable time and everything is fine.  I have learned it is okay if I get upset when my kids break something that is important to me.  No, I shouldn't pout and yell about it, but it is okay to be upset and not hide it.  I have these emotions for a reason and it isn't healthy to try and hide them.

Life is a roller coaster ride and we all have our ups and downs.  The key is not getting stuck in the down moments.  Looking up always gives me hope.  Trying to find the light in the midst of all the darkness is not always easy, but with a hope that you will see it again held in your heart, it does eventually appear. 

So allow yourself to feel sad, angry, annoyed, frustrated, or whatever.  Just don't let those feelings control you.  Express them and then move on.  It is okay to NOT be okay every once in a while. It doesn't make you a horrible person if you happen to have a day when you just aren't feeling what everyone else expects you to feel. 

Not What I Went Looking For

I have just begun yet another journey of self discovery and understanding.  It actually started out with me wanting to bring a little more peace into our home.  My 5 munchkins have been getting rather irritated with each other lately and it was getting hard to keep some semblance of order around here.  The tension was so thick some days I swear it could be felt before ever entering our home.

Well, I have a friend who kept posting these quotes from a blog about child whispering, here.  There was a lot that was resonating with me from this blog and I have seen Carol Tuttle's books mentioned before as well.  So, I decided to use the benefits of my Amazon Prime membership and see if I could "borrow" her book, The Child Whisperer.  Sure enough, it is available through their lending library, and so I decided to see what it is all about.  What I have discovered has completely changed everything...in a really good way!  :-)

Keep in mind that this is all really, really new to me.  Yet, in just a couple of weeks I am already noticing a huge difference in our home.  I am also becoming self aware about things that I never thought about before.  The way it is approached really is geared towards a person discovering for themselves how they naturally approach life.  Also, it is freeing and it helps you to realize that the way you naturally do things is wonderful, because it is who you are. 

I think the thing I like about it most is that she celebrates each "type" of person.  That each approach (or energy as she calls it) is wonderful.  Each way is necessary in life.  If we come to recognize and appreciate them in others, we can learn to allow people to be who the are. 

She doesn't give people a pass as far as the excuse, "Well, that is just who I am."  No, no, no!  More it is a tool to help you understand why you may approach things or handle things the way you do.  Again, self discovery.  :-)

Her books and website mentions 4 types (Type 1, Type 2, Type3, and Type 4).  Simple enough to remember for someone like me.  :-)  Type 1 is the vibrant, buoyant type, Type 2 is calming, gentle type, Type 3 is determined, get'r done type, and Type 4 is thoughtful, bold.  You can sign-up for her free course here if you want more details (or borrow either The Child Whisperer or It's Just My Nature from the library. :-)

I have discovered that I am a Type 2 and that is absolutely wonderful!  I am coming to realize that things I looked at as a weakness in me, really are my strengths.  I have been comparing myself with other people who approach things differently.  Feeling less than wonderful because I figured there was something wrong with me because I didn't handle things the same way or as well as someone else. 

I am coming to find out that it is okay if I see things differently and it is okay if others do also. We need each other to get through this crazy thing called life.  This journey to understanding my and my family's role here on earth is an ongoing process but, I am so grateful that I have found this new tool to help me in the process.

Fear...the real enemy!

Going on this weight loss journey has brought to light so many things but the biggest one is the fact that I am a person who lives in constant fear.  I am afraid of looking like a fool in front of other people, therefore I make myself invisible by blending into the background as much as possible.  What better way to do that then to live the life of a hermit and allow myself to gain just enough weight that I don't stand out either way. 

 I am terrified of letting other people down and so I try to not put myself into positions where other people have to rely on me too much.  This is funny because I absolutely LOVE helping other people.  Yet, I do tend to avoid situations where my help is overly obvious.  I always have said I prefer to work behind the scenes...it is safer that way. 

The biggest fear that hit me right between the eyes just the other day was the fact that I am truly afraid of being successful.  That isn't to say that I don't want to be successful, it is just that I am afraid that someday I might be.  I know this sounds strange but it hit me that I am afraid to succeed because if I do, what if I stumble and fall, just to end up right back where began.  I have started and stopped so many things and I am realizing that each time I do and I start to see results of my work I begin sabotaging all my efforts in some way and end up either back where I started or even worse off.  I am afraid to try one more time because I am afraid I will fail yet again.  Yet, if I don't fail and do succeed have I set myself up for something that I am not ready to handle?!  (I told you I was crazy! :-) 

I am a person who is great at self criticizing but if someone else does it WATCH OUT!  I already feel like what I do isn't good enough and so when someone else points out my mistakes it feels like I am just that much worse of a person and I get really upset.  I tend to shut down and then shut everyone else out because it hurts so bad to think that someone sees me as such a failure.  (These are the thoughts in my head, not necessarily what the other person is thinking.)  I know this is a huge struggle of mine and I am trying to work on it but I won't deny that I have a long way to go. 

Thank goodness my husband is such a patient man because he loves me inspite of all these struggles I have.  Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and every day I tend to give a little half smile and try to change the subject as best I can.  He tells me all the time that he hopes that someday I will believe him when he tells me that.  I believe that he believes it but I just don't see it in myself.  I don't feel beautiful and so it is hard to have someone tell you something like that when you feel anything but that.  I do want to feel beautiful someday but today is not that day.  I don't believe I deserve that praise from him and it is hard to accept praise when you don't feel worthy of it.  I just hope that Terry will keep telling me that I am beautiful because I hope to someday believe him.  :-)  

No, I am not perfect!

Many times in my life I have had people tell me that I am just this amazing person who can accomplish so much.  That I have the perfect family and everything just seems to go right for us.  To all those people I have to say, perfection is a fantasy of this life and my life is anything but perfect.  Some day I may obtain "perfection" but it won't be here and now.  I am a human being with human faults.  I have done things I regret, lived through things that brought out the worst in me and almost destroyed things that are around me.  I am frail, I am weak and I have to struggle each and every day to just try and stay in control and do the best I can without falling completely apart.

  

The Little Reminders

This afternoon, after church, I sat down and watched one of my all time favorite movies (Phantom of the Opera).  Every time I watch it, it reminds me of my freshman year of high school band.  That was one amazing year!  I love the power and emotion from that music and it reaches a part of me that not much else does.  Shoot, I just LOVE great music, but I especially love music that makes me feel all those emotions that I keep bottled up.   How often do you get to feel anger, frustration, fear, passion, desperation and love within the span of only 2 hours?!

Think about it, think about the emotions that come forth when you hear the Star Wars score, the song from Ice Castles or Amazing Grace.  Music is so powerful and it is one of the most amazing memory tapping tools out there.  Is there a song or songs that brings forth intense emotions for you?  If you are missing something inside I say immerse yourself in the music that helps to bring you alive...it is amazing how quickly it can change what is happening inside of you. 

I came to the realization the other day that for two people who love music as much as Terry and I do, we sure don't have it going enough around here!  I guess I have something I need to work on because I want my kids to have a passion for music, just as we do.  Boy, it is embarrassing to realize that I have neglected such an important part of their upbringing!!  :-\    Well, there is no time like the present to remedy the situation.  :-)  So everyone, go listen to some music and enjoy the memories!!

What is Beautiful?

I wasn't sure I was going to share this but I feel like I should.  So, for all of you who take the time to read this I hope you enjoy...at the most I hope you don't laugh at me.  :-P

I just finished reading the 2nd chapter of "Body Clutter" and it has posed some questions/situations to the reader and I am going to attempt to answer them.

~ "What is your image of beautiful?" 

Now if you are talking about my ultimate image of beautiful I would say a meadow surrounded by trees with mountains in the background and a stream running through it.  Also a soft cool breeze making the leaves of the trees dance.  A quiet, peaceful setting where someone can go to think and feel close to God.  That is my ultimate image of beautiful.

However, if we are talking about my thoughts on a beautiful body/person what I think of doesn't really apply to looks.  A vibrant smile on a person who holds herself with confidence but mostly shows kindness and love to all the people around her.  I see an inner beauty that reflects on anything and everything she does. 

This realization kind of surprised me in some ways.  I guess mainly because I am trying to overcome my weight issues right now and so I thought it would be focused more on the outward.  Maybe this shows me what I really want to work on...what I really want for myself.

~ The next thing to do is to list the diet schemes that I have tried, how I did with them and how I felt about them.

I haven't really ever done any diet schemes.  The main thing I do is stop eating the things I shouldn't be eating and up exercising...especially doing more outside.  I think that is why I have had such a hard time getting the weight off is mainly because I just wasn't eating what I should or eating consistently and also I haven't been consistent with my exercises.  Really no secret formula, just need to stay on top of taking care of my body.

~  Now I am supposed to go back to my teenage years and write down what I remember about my weight.

Boy oh boy, now this is a long story...a roller coaster of a ride really.  I think I first remember really beginning to gain weight when I was about 13 or 14.  I was kind of chubby before that but it didn't really seem important to me.  I do remember going to stay with my sister, Mary during the summer when I was 13 and I lost a lot of weight during that time.  Yet, when I came back home I put it back on pretty quickly.

I heard about my weight gain all the time from my family and of course what did that do but cause me to lean on the food more.  I felt alone in young women's and just downright awkward, which pretty much every person does at that age.  Food was my friend, it really was.  I felt rejected from every angle but the food never rejected me and so I clung to it.  When I was about 15 or 16 I worked really hard to lose weight and I went from the deplorable size of 22 down to a 14.  Let me tell you I felt amazing!  I have this memory of putting on one of my size 22 pants, after losing the weight and just having them fall to the ground.  I had to tell people about it because I was so excited.  I never got up to a 22 again but I still had fluctuations with my weight all through the rest of high school. 

When I left home to go to New York to be a nanny I was at a size 16 and while I was there I was eating right and exercising every day.  I felt amazing and I had so much energy.  I really began to find myself and loved every second of the journey (even when it was painful).  When I came home a year later I was down to like a size 12 and I felt so good about myself...physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I was really in a good place. 

A few months after I came back home I met Terry and with our whirlwind courtship and marriage, things just were amazing.  Again, I was working a lot and I ended up losing even more weight, so that when I got married I was actually down to a 184 pounds and at about a size 10/11.  Yes, I really felt good about myself.

Entering into my adulthood the weight gain stems from my pregnancy with Jackson.  I gained 60 lbs and have never lost it in almost 13 years.  At my worst weight I got up to 286 pounds (that is how big I was after Jonny was born) and I was ecstatic when I lost down to 245 at some point after Andrew was born.  I had pretty much been maintaining that weight for about 6 + years until a few months ago. 

I know I weigh less now but I am honestly afraid to buy a scale and find out just how much.  I am no longer in a size 20 and the size 18s are getting loose.  I just keep praying that I can get this weight under control and become so much healthier than I am.  The one thing I like right now is that I can look in the mirror and not gag at the reflection...I almost feel pretty again.

I think the one thing I like about the way I am doing it is that I am not trying to find some quick fix.  I am watching what I am eating, exercising and trying to find balance in my life.  This is not something I can conquer in one day, but hopefully I can keep putting one step in front of the other each and every day as I pray for the strength to keep going.  This is not an easy journey but this is a journey I need to take.  When I first started I was doing it for my kids, now I am doing this for myself as well.  I am 33 years old and I should be feeling on top of the world, not lying in bed wondering if I can stand to get up and face the day.  I don't want that life anymore...I deserve better!!

Living with Anxiety

I have come to realize that I am a ball of nerves most of the time.  Actually, what I am is scared out of my mind all the time.  I am scared of failing as a mother or scared of disappointing my parents or even scared to death of destroying someone elses testimony or life due to my lack of strength.  Needless to say, I never feel good enough, strong enough or brave enough to accomplish the goals I have churning inside of me on a daily basis.

I see so much that I need to change about myself or in the way I handle certain things and yet when I go to implement the goals I have churning inside I don't stay focused and on track.  This, of course, makes me feel like a failure and then I just throw my hands up and give up.  There are so many people out there who just have this ability to push through these doubts and reach the goals they have.  Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people.

This last week, as I have been running, I find myself afraid to leave my backyard.  I fear others seeing me as I am exercising because I don't want them to see how hard it is for me.  I get embarrassed at the thought that others will judge me and ridicule me.  Honestly, this is one of the deepest anxieties of my heart.  I can't tolerate the thought that someone is laughing at me or judging me, especially when they know nothing about me.  I guess this stems back to the fact that I really don't feel good enough about myself and so maybe I am projecting my own self-doubt onto others?

I have been told all my life that I am a daughter of God and I know this is true and yet I feel so unworthy of it all the time.  Every little decision I question myself on because I don't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father or let down my Savior.  I worry all the time that I am not serving the way I should, I am not loving the way I should or that I am not living the way I should.  Oh, how they must love me to put up with my downer attitude all the time! 

The funny part is, there are many people out there who would have no idea this is what is going on inside of me.  I have been told so often about how confident I seem and how faithful I am, so on and so on.  When I hear comments like this my first thought is..."If you only knew!!"  I put one foot in front of the other, I pray and I hope for better things but depression and self loathing is a battle I have each and every day. 

I hope that someday I can see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me.  I hope that someday I will feel worthy of the adoration and love my husband gives to me.  I pray that someday I will feel my true worth as a daughter of God.  Someday I will win this inner struggle and I will have the pleasure of turning my back on these thoughts forever.  Yet, for now, I will keep praying, hoping and putting one foot in front of the other.  What else can I do?!  :-D