Going on this weight loss journey has brought to light so many things but the biggest one is the fact that I am a person who lives in constant fear. I am afraid of looking like a fool in front of other people, therefore I make myself invisible by blending into the background as much as possible. What better way to do that then to live the life of a hermit and allow myself to gain just enough weight that I don't stand out either way.
I am terrified of letting other people down and so I try to not put myself into positions where other people have to rely on me too much. This is funny because I absolutely LOVE helping other people. Yet, I do tend to avoid situations where my help is overly obvious. I always have said I prefer to work behind the scenes...it is safer that way.
The biggest fear that hit me right between the eyes just the other day was the fact that I am truly afraid of being successful. That isn't to say that I don't want to be successful, it is just that I am afraid that someday I might be. I know this sounds strange but it hit me that I am afraid to succeed because if I do, what if I stumble and fall, just to end up right back where began. I have started and stopped so many things and I am realizing that each time I do and I start to see results of my work I begin sabotaging all my efforts in some way and end up either back where I started or even worse off. I am afraid to try one more time because I am afraid I will fail yet again. Yet, if I don't fail and do succeed have I set myself up for something that I am not ready to handle?! (I told you I was crazy! :-)
I am a person who is great at self criticizing but if someone else does it WATCH OUT! I already feel like what I do isn't good enough and so when someone else points out my mistakes it feels like I am just that much worse of a person and I get really upset. I tend to shut down and then shut everyone else out because it hurts so bad to think that someone sees me as such a failure. (These are the thoughts in my head, not necessarily what the other person is thinking.) I know this is a huge struggle of mine and I am trying to work on it but I won't deny that I have a long way to go.
Thank goodness my husband is such a patient man because he loves me inspite of all these struggles I have. Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and every day I tend to give a little half smile and try to change the subject as best I can. He tells me all the time that he hopes that someday I will believe him when he tells me that. I believe that he believes it but I just don't see it in myself. I don't feel beautiful and so it is hard to have someone tell you something like that when you feel anything but that. I do want to feel beautiful someday but today is not that day. I don't believe I deserve that praise from him and it is hard to accept praise when you don't feel worthy of it. I just hope that Terry will keep telling me that I am beautiful because I hope to someday believe him. :-)
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
No, I am not perfect!
Many times in my life I have had people tell me that I am just this amazing person who can accomplish so much. That I have the perfect family and everything just seems to go right for us. To all those people I have to say, perfection is a fantasy of this life and my life is anything but perfect. Some day I may obtain "perfection" but it won't be here and now. I am a human being with human faults. I have done things I regret, lived through things that brought out the worst in me and almost destroyed things that are around me. I am frail, I am weak and I have to struggle each and every day to just try and stay in control and do the best I can without falling completely apart.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
The Little Reminders
This afternoon, after church, I sat down and watched one of my all time favorite movies (Phantom of the Opera). Every time I watch it, it reminds me of my freshman year of high school band. That was one amazing year! I love the power and emotion from that music and it reaches a part of me that not much else does. Shoot, I just LOVE great music, but I especially love music that makes me feel all those emotions that I keep bottled up. How often do you get to feel anger, frustration, fear, passion, desperation and love within the span of only 2 hours?!
Think about it, think about the emotions that come forth when you hear the Star Wars score, the song from Ice Castles or Amazing Grace. Music is so powerful and it is one of the most amazing memory tapping tools out there. Is there a song or songs that brings forth intense emotions for you? If you are missing something inside I say immerse yourself in the music that helps to bring you alive...it is amazing how quickly it can change what is happening inside of you.
I came to the realization the other day that for two people who love music as much as Terry and I do, we sure don't have it going enough around here! I guess I have something I need to work on because I want my kids to have a passion for music, just as we do. Boy, it is embarrassing to realize that I have neglected such an important part of their upbringing!! :-\ Well, there is no time like the present to remedy the situation. :-) So everyone, go listen to some music and enjoy the memories!!
Think about it, think about the emotions that come forth when you hear the Star Wars score, the song from Ice Castles or Amazing Grace. Music is so powerful and it is one of the most amazing memory tapping tools out there. Is there a song or songs that brings forth intense emotions for you? If you are missing something inside I say immerse yourself in the music that helps to bring you alive...it is amazing how quickly it can change what is happening inside of you.
I came to the realization the other day that for two people who love music as much as Terry and I do, we sure don't have it going enough around here! I guess I have something I need to work on because I want my kids to have a passion for music, just as we do. Boy, it is embarrassing to realize that I have neglected such an important part of their upbringing!! :-\ Well, there is no time like the present to remedy the situation. :-) So everyone, go listen to some music and enjoy the memories!!
Monday, September 5, 2011
What is Beautiful?
I wasn't sure I was going to share this but I feel like I should. So, for all of you who take the time to read this I hope you enjoy...at the most I hope you don't laugh at me. :-P
I just finished reading the 2nd chapter of "Body Clutter" and it has posed some questions/situations to the reader and I am going to attempt to answer them.
~ "What is your image of beautiful?"
Now if you are talking about my ultimate image of beautiful I would say a meadow surrounded by trees with mountains in the background and a stream running through it. Also a soft cool breeze making the leaves of the trees dance. A quiet, peaceful setting where someone can go to think and feel close to God. That is my ultimate image of beautiful.
However, if we are talking about my thoughts on a beautiful body/person what I think of doesn't really apply to looks. A vibrant smile on a person who holds herself with confidence but mostly shows kindness and love to all the people around her. I see an inner beauty that reflects on anything and everything she does.
This realization kind of surprised me in some ways. I guess mainly because I am trying to overcome my weight issues right now and so I thought it would be focused more on the outward. Maybe this shows me what I really want to work on...what I really want for myself.
~ The next thing to do is to list the diet schemes that I have tried, how I did with them and how I felt about them.
I haven't really ever done any diet schemes. The main thing I do is stop eating the things I shouldn't be eating and up exercising...especially doing more outside. I think that is why I have had such a hard time getting the weight off is mainly because I just wasn't eating what I should or eating consistently and also I haven't been consistent with my exercises. Really no secret formula, just need to stay on top of taking care of my body.
~ Now I am supposed to go back to my teenage years and write down what I remember about my weight.
Boy oh boy, now this is a long story...a roller coaster of a ride really. I think I first remember really beginning to gain weight when I was about 13 or 14. I was kind of chubby before that but it didn't really seem important to me. I do remember going to stay with my sister, Mary during the summer when I was 13 and I lost a lot of weight during that time. Yet, when I came back home I put it back on pretty quickly.
I heard about my weight gain all the time from my family and of course what did that do but cause me to lean on the food more. I felt alone in young women's and just downright awkward, which pretty much every person does at that age. Food was my friend, it really was. I felt rejected from every angle but the food never rejected me and so I clung to it. When I was about 15 or 16 I worked really hard to lose weight and I went from the deplorable size of 22 down to a 14. Let me tell you I felt amazing! I have this memory of putting on one of my size 22 pants, after losing the weight and just having them fall to the ground. I had to tell people about it because I was so excited. I never got up to a 22 again but I still had fluctuations with my weight all through the rest of high school.
When I left home to go to New York to be a nanny I was at a size 16 and while I was there I was eating right and exercising every day. I felt amazing and I had so much energy. I really began to find myself and loved every second of the journey (even when it was painful). When I came home a year later I was down to like a size 12 and I felt so good about myself...physically, spiritually, emotionally. I was really in a good place.
A few months after I came back home I met Terry and with our whirlwind courtship and marriage, things just were amazing. Again, I was working a lot and I ended up losing even more weight, so that when I got married I was actually down to a 184 pounds and at about a size 10/11. Yes, I really felt good about myself.
Entering into my adulthood the weight gain stems from my pregnancy with Jackson. I gained 60 lbs and have never lost it in almost 13 years. At my worst weight I got up to 286 pounds (that is how big I was after Jonny was born) and I was ecstatic when I lost down to 245 at some point after Andrew was born. I had pretty much been maintaining that weight for about 6 + years until a few months ago.
I know I weigh less now but I am honestly afraid to buy a scale and find out just how much. I am no longer in a size 20 and the size 18s are getting loose. I just keep praying that I can get this weight under control and become so much healthier than I am. The one thing I like right now is that I can look in the mirror and not gag at the reflection...I almost feel pretty again.
I think the one thing I like about the way I am doing it is that I am not trying to find some quick fix. I am watching what I am eating, exercising and trying to find balance in my life. This is not something I can conquer in one day, but hopefully I can keep putting one step in front of the other each and every day as I pray for the strength to keep going. This is not an easy journey but this is a journey I need to take. When I first started I was doing it for my kids, now I am doing this for myself as well. I am 33 years old and I should be feeling on top of the world, not lying in bed wondering if I can stand to get up and face the day. I don't want that life anymore...I deserve better!!
I just finished reading the 2nd chapter of "Body Clutter" and it has posed some questions/situations to the reader and I am going to attempt to answer them.
~ "What is your image of beautiful?"
Now if you are talking about my ultimate image of beautiful I would say a meadow surrounded by trees with mountains in the background and a stream running through it. Also a soft cool breeze making the leaves of the trees dance. A quiet, peaceful setting where someone can go to think and feel close to God. That is my ultimate image of beautiful.
However, if we are talking about my thoughts on a beautiful body/person what I think of doesn't really apply to looks. A vibrant smile on a person who holds herself with confidence but mostly shows kindness and love to all the people around her. I see an inner beauty that reflects on anything and everything she does.
This realization kind of surprised me in some ways. I guess mainly because I am trying to overcome my weight issues right now and so I thought it would be focused more on the outward. Maybe this shows me what I really want to work on...what I really want for myself.
~ The next thing to do is to list the diet schemes that I have tried, how I did with them and how I felt about them.
I haven't really ever done any diet schemes. The main thing I do is stop eating the things I shouldn't be eating and up exercising...especially doing more outside. I think that is why I have had such a hard time getting the weight off is mainly because I just wasn't eating what I should or eating consistently and also I haven't been consistent with my exercises. Really no secret formula, just need to stay on top of taking care of my body.
~ Now I am supposed to go back to my teenage years and write down what I remember about my weight.
Boy oh boy, now this is a long story...a roller coaster of a ride really. I think I first remember really beginning to gain weight when I was about 13 or 14. I was kind of chubby before that but it didn't really seem important to me. I do remember going to stay with my sister, Mary during the summer when I was 13 and I lost a lot of weight during that time. Yet, when I came back home I put it back on pretty quickly.
I heard about my weight gain all the time from my family and of course what did that do but cause me to lean on the food more. I felt alone in young women's and just downright awkward, which pretty much every person does at that age. Food was my friend, it really was. I felt rejected from every angle but the food never rejected me and so I clung to it. When I was about 15 or 16 I worked really hard to lose weight and I went from the deplorable size of 22 down to a 14. Let me tell you I felt amazing! I have this memory of putting on one of my size 22 pants, after losing the weight and just having them fall to the ground. I had to tell people about it because I was so excited. I never got up to a 22 again but I still had fluctuations with my weight all through the rest of high school.
When I left home to go to New York to be a nanny I was at a size 16 and while I was there I was eating right and exercising every day. I felt amazing and I had so much energy. I really began to find myself and loved every second of the journey (even when it was painful). When I came home a year later I was down to like a size 12 and I felt so good about myself...physically, spiritually, emotionally. I was really in a good place.
A few months after I came back home I met Terry and with our whirlwind courtship and marriage, things just were amazing. Again, I was working a lot and I ended up losing even more weight, so that when I got married I was actually down to a 184 pounds and at about a size 10/11. Yes, I really felt good about myself.
Entering into my adulthood the weight gain stems from my pregnancy with Jackson. I gained 60 lbs and have never lost it in almost 13 years. At my worst weight I got up to 286 pounds (that is how big I was after Jonny was born) and I was ecstatic when I lost down to 245 at some point after Andrew was born. I had pretty much been maintaining that weight for about 6 + years until a few months ago.
I know I weigh less now but I am honestly afraid to buy a scale and find out just how much. I am no longer in a size 20 and the size 18s are getting loose. I just keep praying that I can get this weight under control and become so much healthier than I am. The one thing I like right now is that I can look in the mirror and not gag at the reflection...I almost feel pretty again.
I think the one thing I like about the way I am doing it is that I am not trying to find some quick fix. I am watching what I am eating, exercising and trying to find balance in my life. This is not something I can conquer in one day, but hopefully I can keep putting one step in front of the other each and every day as I pray for the strength to keep going. This is not an easy journey but this is a journey I need to take. When I first started I was doing it for my kids, now I am doing this for myself as well. I am 33 years old and I should be feeling on top of the world, not lying in bed wondering if I can stand to get up and face the day. I don't want that life anymore...I deserve better!!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Living with Anxiety
I have come to realize that I am a ball of nerves most of the time. Actually, what I am is scared out of my mind all the time. I am scared of failing as a mother or scared of disappointing my parents or even scared to death of destroying someone elses testimony or life due to my lack of strength. Needless to say, I never feel good enough, strong enough or brave enough to accomplish the goals I have churning inside of me on a daily basis.
I see so much that I need to change about myself or in the way I handle certain things and yet when I go to implement the goals I have churning inside I don't stay focused and on track. This, of course, makes me feel like a failure and then I just throw my hands up and give up. There are so many people out there who just have this ability to push through these doubts and reach the goals they have. Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people.
This last week, as I have been running, I find myself afraid to leave my backyard. I fear others seeing me as I am exercising because I don't want them to see how hard it is for me. I get embarrassed at the thought that others will judge me and ridicule me. Honestly, this is one of the deepest anxieties of my heart. I can't tolerate the thought that someone is laughing at me or judging me, especially when they know nothing about me. I guess this stems back to the fact that I really don't feel good enough about myself and so maybe I am projecting my own self-doubt onto others?
I have been told all my life that I am a daughter of God and I know this is true and yet I feel so unworthy of it all the time. Every little decision I question myself on because I don't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father or let down my Savior. I worry all the time that I am not serving the way I should, I am not loving the way I should or that I am not living the way I should. Oh, how they must love me to put up with my downer attitude all the time!
The funny part is, there are many people out there who would have no idea this is what is going on inside of me. I have been told so often about how confident I seem and how faithful I am, so on and so on. When I hear comments like this my first thought is..."If you only knew!!" I put one foot in front of the other, I pray and I hope for better things but depression and self loathing is a battle I have each and every day.
I hope that someday I can see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me. I hope that someday I will feel worthy of the adoration and love my husband gives to me. I pray that someday I will feel my true worth as a daughter of God. Someday I will win this inner struggle and I will have the pleasure of turning my back on these thoughts forever. Yet, for now, I will keep praying, hoping and putting one foot in front of the other. What else can I do?! :-D
I see so much that I need to change about myself or in the way I handle certain things and yet when I go to implement the goals I have churning inside I don't stay focused and on track. This, of course, makes me feel like a failure and then I just throw my hands up and give up. There are so many people out there who just have this ability to push through these doubts and reach the goals they have. Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people.
This last week, as I have been running, I find myself afraid to leave my backyard. I fear others seeing me as I am exercising because I don't want them to see how hard it is for me. I get embarrassed at the thought that others will judge me and ridicule me. Honestly, this is one of the deepest anxieties of my heart. I can't tolerate the thought that someone is laughing at me or judging me, especially when they know nothing about me. I guess this stems back to the fact that I really don't feel good enough about myself and so maybe I am projecting my own self-doubt onto others?
I have been told all my life that I am a daughter of God and I know this is true and yet I feel so unworthy of it all the time. Every little decision I question myself on because I don't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father or let down my Savior. I worry all the time that I am not serving the way I should, I am not loving the way I should or that I am not living the way I should. Oh, how they must love me to put up with my downer attitude all the time!
The funny part is, there are many people out there who would have no idea this is what is going on inside of me. I have been told so often about how confident I seem and how faithful I am, so on and so on. When I hear comments like this my first thought is..."If you only knew!!" I put one foot in front of the other, I pray and I hope for better things but depression and self loathing is a battle I have each and every day.
I hope that someday I can see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me. I hope that someday I will feel worthy of the adoration and love my husband gives to me. I pray that someday I will feel my true worth as a daughter of God. Someday I will win this inner struggle and I will have the pleasure of turning my back on these thoughts forever. Yet, for now, I will keep praying, hoping and putting one foot in front of the other. What else can I do?! :-D
Friday, July 22, 2011
This is Why
I am a stay at home mom and you wouldn't believe the varying looks I get from people when they find out. They can range from sheer adoration down to utter sympathy and fear. I have been asked through words people have spoken and words people have not spoken why I stay home. Well, the answer to that question is a really simple one, I love my kids so much that I am willing to give up the things the world has to offer me for a much greater cause.
Being a SAHM is not an easy job and many times I find myself questioning my sanity, but when I see my children grow and progress in their lives it is all worth it. I don't get monitary recognition (other than my sweethearts paycheck. :-) and I don't get awards or certificates of congratulations. What I get is the ability to be a part of building the future of my family, church and country each and every day.
There are many articles and lists out there of the varied hats that a mother wears and believe you me I have worn most of them. However, each of those hats have taught me something but mostly they have taught me that I am never done learning and growing right along with my children.
I was a nanny for about a year and what I saw from those kids taught me a lot. I loved them and I believe they loved me, but when it came right down to it, nothing was more precious to them than being with their Mom. The nights when she would put them to bed would take twice as long because they just wanted time with her and enjoyed having her attention.
Now, their mother is a wonderful woman and loves her children deeply, but the path she chose was not one I wanted. She always felt inadequate because she wasn't practicing law anymore, due to medical complications with her twins, and she always had to find some project to do to keep her busy. The sad part was, the greatest project of all that she could be a part of she couldn't see.
Now, I have to say this, I know that there are many Mom's out there who need to work for varying reasons and I admire all that they do to try and keep their family's going on top of all else they need to do. I was raised by a working mom who worked hard to keep our family going, right along side of my Dad. She always did everything she could to make sure she was there for us kids and she was. I also have a sister who is raising her children on her own while holding down a very demanding job. All that she goes through and sacrifices for her family leaves me in awe and I admire her strength and determination. So no, I don't believe working moms are horrible people, quite the opposite actually.
I have been asked if I will get a job when my youngest is in school but I have to say no. My kids are getting older and even though they won't be home as often I need to be there even more to create an environment for them where they can find the peace and love they need to get them through their days. If the day comes when I need to go to work then I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now I am going to enjoy the moments (even the pull your hair out ones) that I am blessed with each and every day.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said a mom...guess some things never change in 20+ years! :-)
Being a SAHM is not an easy job and many times I find myself questioning my sanity, but when I see my children grow and progress in their lives it is all worth it. I don't get monitary recognition (other than my sweethearts paycheck. :-) and I don't get awards or certificates of congratulations. What I get is the ability to be a part of building the future of my family, church and country each and every day.
There are many articles and lists out there of the varied hats that a mother wears and believe you me I have worn most of them. However, each of those hats have taught me something but mostly they have taught me that I am never done learning and growing right along with my children.
I was a nanny for about a year and what I saw from those kids taught me a lot. I loved them and I believe they loved me, but when it came right down to it, nothing was more precious to them than being with their Mom. The nights when she would put them to bed would take twice as long because they just wanted time with her and enjoyed having her attention.
Now, their mother is a wonderful woman and loves her children deeply, but the path she chose was not one I wanted. She always felt inadequate because she wasn't practicing law anymore, due to medical complications with her twins, and she always had to find some project to do to keep her busy. The sad part was, the greatest project of all that she could be a part of she couldn't see.
Now, I have to say this, I know that there are many Mom's out there who need to work for varying reasons and I admire all that they do to try and keep their family's going on top of all else they need to do. I was raised by a working mom who worked hard to keep our family going, right along side of my Dad. She always did everything she could to make sure she was there for us kids and she was. I also have a sister who is raising her children on her own while holding down a very demanding job. All that she goes through and sacrifices for her family leaves me in awe and I admire her strength and determination. So no, I don't believe working moms are horrible people, quite the opposite actually.
I have been asked if I will get a job when my youngest is in school but I have to say no. My kids are getting older and even though they won't be home as often I need to be there even more to create an environment for them where they can find the peace and love they need to get them through their days. If the day comes when I need to go to work then I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now I am going to enjoy the moments (even the pull your hair out ones) that I am blessed with each and every day.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said a mom...guess some things never change in 20+ years! :-)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Left Behind
I see my kids growing up and beginning to grasp their own lives and much of the time I feel left behind. I know it will be much worse in say 5 or so years, but right now I am just trying to adjust to this new phase in our family dynamic.
Jackson left on a week long 50 mile hike with his scout troop and I almost started to cry as he left. I couldn't help but think...there goes my baby!! I still see him laying in his crib, using his pillow as a blanket and looking like such a sweet angel as he slept. Also, the times I would come around the corner and see him sitting on his bed, looking very serious, as he was trying so hard to read a book. My boy is growing into a young man, with his own ideas and opinions that he is not hesitant to express. Yes, his Mom is going to have to start growing up to keep up with him. :-)
I have been lost in my kids for so long that I often find myself wondering who I am and what do I have to offer. I guess I am beginning a new phase where I have to find myself again...this will be an interesting journey. Thankfully, I know I am not walking it alone. Terry is by my side and I know that my Heavenly Father is there to guide my way. Yet, I can't help but wonder what lies ahead on this new chapter in our lives...ready or not here it comes!! :-P
Jackson left on a week long 50 mile hike with his scout troop and I almost started to cry as he left. I couldn't help but think...there goes my baby!! I still see him laying in his crib, using his pillow as a blanket and looking like such a sweet angel as he slept. Also, the times I would come around the corner and see him sitting on his bed, looking very serious, as he was trying so hard to read a book. My boy is growing into a young man, with his own ideas and opinions that he is not hesitant to express. Yes, his Mom is going to have to start growing up to keep up with him. :-)
I have been lost in my kids for so long that I often find myself wondering who I am and what do I have to offer. I guess I am beginning a new phase where I have to find myself again...this will be an interesting journey. Thankfully, I know I am not walking it alone. Terry is by my side and I know that my Heavenly Father is there to guide my way. Yet, I can't help but wonder what lies ahead on this new chapter in our lives...ready or not here it comes!! :-P
Friday, July 8, 2011
So I Run...
I am still working through my depression but I think I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been running for this last week, doing a program called Couch to 5K or c25k, I feel so good! It is a 9 week program to help train your body to be able to run 30 minutes or a 5k. You run/walk every other day for 3 days (the day in between is vital). You start out walking and then run for a little and then walk and so on. During the next weeks the running time increases slowly to the full 30 minutes of running.
That first day I thought I was going to die. My first bout of running went great but it slowly went downhill from there. I was begging to be finished about 5 seconds into my last run. The very last step of my run on that first day I almost didn't make it because my legs were like jelly. Thankfully I was down at the elementary school and so I had to stick it out because I couldn't just go in the house and give up. :-) I tell you I was so happy to get home that first day and the rest of the day I was sore, sore, sore!!
Getting out the door on the second day was pretty hard, mainly because I was convincing myself that I needed to keep going. While I am running I am listening to Christian music with voice cues to help me know when to switch between walking and running. The uplifting messages of the music have helped me to keep going and on the 2nd day of running I felt so great with what I had accomplished. I even wanted to run a little bit more when the cycle was completed. I was tired but not weak and that felt great.
Having that high of the 2nd day I started my 3rd cycle thinking...ah, this is going to be no problem. Ha! I had a really rough start, which reminded me of my 1st day. My legs got weak really quickly and I kept feeling like I wanted to give up. However, one of the songs came on that basically talks about how we run to make it home to our Savior and with the mountains in view and that song going through my head I found the motivation to keep going. The last run I was able to pick up the pace and by the end I felt great!
Next week the cycle goes from 60/90 to 90/120 (for 30 minutes). That is the number of seconds running/walking. I know for some that may seem like a very short amount of time for either activity but trust me, you feel it. Plus, the whole point of the program is to help those who really have not had any real running experience slowly grow to being able to do a 5k.
I don't know if I will ever run a race, I am mainly doing this to prove to myself that I can. Plus, I love to run...it makes me feel so free and it is actually very peaceful. I know there are some who don't understand this but it is how I feel about it. I will continue to pray that my Heavenly Father will give me the strength to continue moving forward. I have a long way to go but I am excited for the journey!!
That first day I thought I was going to die. My first bout of running went great but it slowly went downhill from there. I was begging to be finished about 5 seconds into my last run. The very last step of my run on that first day I almost didn't make it because my legs were like jelly. Thankfully I was down at the elementary school and so I had to stick it out because I couldn't just go in the house and give up. :-) I tell you I was so happy to get home that first day and the rest of the day I was sore, sore, sore!!
Getting out the door on the second day was pretty hard, mainly because I was convincing myself that I needed to keep going. While I am running I am listening to Christian music with voice cues to help me know when to switch between walking and running. The uplifting messages of the music have helped me to keep going and on the 2nd day of running I felt so great with what I had accomplished. I even wanted to run a little bit more when the cycle was completed. I was tired but not weak and that felt great.
Having that high of the 2nd day I started my 3rd cycle thinking...ah, this is going to be no problem. Ha! I had a really rough start, which reminded me of my 1st day. My legs got weak really quickly and I kept feeling like I wanted to give up. However, one of the songs came on that basically talks about how we run to make it home to our Savior and with the mountains in view and that song going through my head I found the motivation to keep going. The last run I was able to pick up the pace and by the end I felt great!
Next week the cycle goes from 60/90 to 90/120 (for 30 minutes). That is the number of seconds running/walking. I know for some that may seem like a very short amount of time for either activity but trust me, you feel it. Plus, the whole point of the program is to help those who really have not had any real running experience slowly grow to being able to do a 5k.
I don't know if I will ever run a race, I am mainly doing this to prove to myself that I can. Plus, I love to run...it makes me feel so free and it is actually very peaceful. I know there are some who don't understand this but it is how I feel about it. I will continue to pray that my Heavenly Father will give me the strength to continue moving forward. I have a long way to go but I am excited for the journey!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Will I Ever Get It Right?!
You know, I look around me and I can see just how blessed I really am and yet I tend to take those blessings for granted. Have you ever done that? Like, right now I have all 5 of my kids home, as well as my DH. Yet instead of playing a game with them or going for a family walk or something of that nature I am sitting here writing on my blog and frustrated beyond belief of every little thing my kids do.
Each and every day I am so blessed and I wonder how often I miss those blessings because I am so caught up in the muddle that everyday life can become. I guess we all face these moments but I seem to be dwelling on them more and more all the time. I find myself drawn to self-help books and ways to help improve my home, my family, my health and so much more. I guess I am just looking, searching for an answer to this lost feeling I have right now.
The #1 thought on my mind lately is what in the world am I going to do when Sammie starts school? We are going to try and get her into preschool this year. If we get into the one that I want (which is just down the street from our house) then it is only for 2 hours, 2 times a week. That isn't very long and yet I find myself terrified of being alone in the house for even just that short amount of time.
This of course leads to the fact that next year she will be in Kindergarten for 4 hours every day. Then that leads to in just 2 years I am going to be by myself for 6+ hours every single day for 9 months...Momma is not liking this!
I think I understand now why the stigma about parents having a hard time with their last child is true. It is true because this is probably the last time any of the events are going to happen in your life, as you being the parent. I didn't cry when Sammie was out of diapers. I didn't cry when I got rid of all the baby supplies and clothes. Yet now, knowing that I will no longer have her by my side during the day brings great sadness to me, more so than any of her brothers. Honestly, I am scared out of my wits!!
Well, I guess I need to grow up sometime, but I won't deny it is something that leaves me greatly unsettled at the moment. I will just keep praying for answers and hope that I am ready to head them when they come. However, I may never get used to not having my chatterbox around me daily!!
Each and every day I am so blessed and I wonder how often I miss those blessings because I am so caught up in the muddle that everyday life can become. I guess we all face these moments but I seem to be dwelling on them more and more all the time. I find myself drawn to self-help books and ways to help improve my home, my family, my health and so much more. I guess I am just looking, searching for an answer to this lost feeling I have right now.
The #1 thought on my mind lately is what in the world am I going to do when Sammie starts school? We are going to try and get her into preschool this year. If we get into the one that I want (which is just down the street from our house) then it is only for 2 hours, 2 times a week. That isn't very long and yet I find myself terrified of being alone in the house for even just that short amount of time.
This of course leads to the fact that next year she will be in Kindergarten for 4 hours every day. Then that leads to in just 2 years I am going to be by myself for 6+ hours every single day for 9 months...Momma is not liking this!
I think I understand now why the stigma about parents having a hard time with their last child is true. It is true because this is probably the last time any of the events are going to happen in your life, as you being the parent. I didn't cry when Sammie was out of diapers. I didn't cry when I got rid of all the baby supplies and clothes. Yet now, knowing that I will no longer have her by my side during the day brings great sadness to me, more so than any of her brothers. Honestly, I am scared out of my wits!!
Well, I guess I need to grow up sometime, but I won't deny it is something that leaves me greatly unsettled at the moment. I will just keep praying for answers and hope that I am ready to head them when they come. However, I may never get used to not having my chatterbox around me daily!!
Monday, June 27, 2011
Do any of us really know?
I find myself wondering if anyone really knows what is going on inside the person they think they know the best? I am a pretty private person, at least concerning those things that are closest to my heart. I have a hard time sharing my worries, fears and pains with others. If it concerns someone that I love I will broadcast their need to the world if I thought it would help them get through. That isn't to say I am going to go around sharing secrets or confidences but if someone is hurting I want to do all I can to help them get through it.
Yet, I find myself keeping all of those feelings I try to get out of others bottled up and buried as deep as I can get them. I don't cry often anymore. When I was little I was probably the biggest cry baby on the planet but now it is rare that you see tears fall. If I do cry I tend to do it in private and then I stop myself as quickly as possible, so noone knows. I don't know why I hold it back, because the few times that I let the waterworks flow I feel so much better. I guess I just don't want others to be burdened with my problems.
I have a lot of fears, some rational others extremely irrational. I think one of my biggest fears at this point in my life is the fear of losing my husband and having to face the future raising our children alone. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years. I have no real training or skills to get a good job to care for our children. If I were in that position I would have to go back to school and work. What would I do with my kids? I love being a mom who gets to stay home. Even when they drive me the craziest, I wouldn't trade being able to be there for the everyday moments that we get to share.
Terry has diabetes and even though right now it is under control my fears surface every time his blood sugar rises or plummets. My first thought is, what am I going to do if he is no longer here. I fear because there are times when he doesn't do what he knows he should to take care of himself. He fluctuates really. There are times when he is trying to eat right, get exercise and stay as healthy as possible. Then there are other times when he just lets it all go and those are the times when I am living in constant fear.
Terry is a good man who works hard for our family and yet sometimes I wonder if he realizes that if his health falls apart it doesn't effect just him. Our whole family pays the consequences and I just wish I knew how to get him to understand how much that weighs on my mind. Whenever I go to try and say something I just can't find the words. I am praying to find a way but often I just don't know how to approach the issue.
How do you tell the person that you love the most you are terrified of being alone?!
Yet, I find myself keeping all of those feelings I try to get out of others bottled up and buried as deep as I can get them. I don't cry often anymore. When I was little I was probably the biggest cry baby on the planet but now it is rare that you see tears fall. If I do cry I tend to do it in private and then I stop myself as quickly as possible, so noone knows. I don't know why I hold it back, because the few times that I let the waterworks flow I feel so much better. I guess I just don't want others to be burdened with my problems.
I have a lot of fears, some rational others extremely irrational. I think one of my biggest fears at this point in my life is the fear of losing my husband and having to face the future raising our children alone. I have been a stay at home mom for the last 13 years. I have no real training or skills to get a good job to care for our children. If I were in that position I would have to go back to school and work. What would I do with my kids? I love being a mom who gets to stay home. Even when they drive me the craziest, I wouldn't trade being able to be there for the everyday moments that we get to share.
Terry has diabetes and even though right now it is under control my fears surface every time his blood sugar rises or plummets. My first thought is, what am I going to do if he is no longer here. I fear because there are times when he doesn't do what he knows he should to take care of himself. He fluctuates really. There are times when he is trying to eat right, get exercise and stay as healthy as possible. Then there are other times when he just lets it all go and those are the times when I am living in constant fear.
Terry is a good man who works hard for our family and yet sometimes I wonder if he realizes that if his health falls apart it doesn't effect just him. Our whole family pays the consequences and I just wish I knew how to get him to understand how much that weighs on my mind. Whenever I go to try and say something I just can't find the words. I am praying to find a way but often I just don't know how to approach the issue.
How do you tell the person that you love the most you are terrified of being alone?!
Monday, May 23, 2011
The Other Side
Terry and I have been asked so many times this week how we are liking it here and it is so easy to say that I love it! The kids are doing great with school, Terry is happier than I have ever seen him with his job and I am getting to do so much outside that I never could before. Also, we have moved into an amazing ward that is so much like our old Ward, as far as friendliness and closeness. Basically, things are going fairly good.
I won't say that we don't have our challenges but the Lord helps us get through them and I am so grateful. Honestly, I am just enjoying the fact that we are not drowing financially. I am able to feed my family without fear at the moment and that is a great feeling. I just went shopping today and even though I am still very much a bargain shopper it is nice to be able to look at a small treat for the kids and not worry that it is going to leave us struggling for the next two weeks.
We are trying really hard to not fall into the traps we kept falling into before. Terry and I are really focusing on living on a budget and putting money back for savings. We have 1 consumer debt left and then we will be debt free, except for our house. That is an amazing thing to realize. We are kind of holding back a little on paying off the last debt and putting the extra back for a trip to Arizona this summer. However, once we are home from that trip and a wedding a couple of weeks later we will be back on track full force to getting that debt kicked out of our lives. Hopefully, if all goes well, this time next year we will have it out of our lives!! :-D
It is true that it takes time to heal from loss/change but I think I am getting there. I love the Gila Valley and all my dear friends there. I love my family and miss them tremendously at times, yet the bonds of eternity that we share make the seperation more bearable. I will probably look back on myself in a few months and roll my eyes, wondering what my problem was. :-)
So, just remember that even though things can get crazy...God is great, life is good and the best is yet to come!!
I won't say that we don't have our challenges but the Lord helps us get through them and I am so grateful. Honestly, I am just enjoying the fact that we are not drowing financially. I am able to feed my family without fear at the moment and that is a great feeling. I just went shopping today and even though I am still very much a bargain shopper it is nice to be able to look at a small treat for the kids and not worry that it is going to leave us struggling for the next two weeks.
We are trying really hard to not fall into the traps we kept falling into before. Terry and I are really focusing on living on a budget and putting money back for savings. We have 1 consumer debt left and then we will be debt free, except for our house. That is an amazing thing to realize. We are kind of holding back a little on paying off the last debt and putting the extra back for a trip to Arizona this summer. However, once we are home from that trip and a wedding a couple of weeks later we will be back on track full force to getting that debt kicked out of our lives. Hopefully, if all goes well, this time next year we will have it out of our lives!! :-D
It is true that it takes time to heal from loss/change but I think I am getting there. I love the Gila Valley and all my dear friends there. I love my family and miss them tremendously at times, yet the bonds of eternity that we share make the seperation more bearable. I will probably look back on myself in a few months and roll my eyes, wondering what my problem was. :-)
So, just remember that even though things can get crazy...God is great, life is good and the best is yet to come!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
I think I can...possibly!
I am in the middle of one of those moments when I want to just hide myself from everything and everyone around me. The kids have been bouncing off the walls for the last 2 hours and my sweetheart walked into the house feeling horrible and so his tolerance for things is not the greatest right now. I have honestly been having flashbacks to the horrors of days when he worked for Impressive, when he came home stressed out every day.
It doesn't help any that my thyroid has been out of whack the last few days. I have been taking my meds like I should but I just keep crashing all the time. I have had to actually increase my dosage to 3x's a day, rather than the 1x I usually have to do. No worries, I use a herbal medication (since synthetic drugs don't like my body) and so I have a little more leeway. I have been using these drops for 2+ years now and usually they work great...hopefully I will get leveled out soon!
There seems to be a lot of trials happening to my extended family and that has me worried. Trent (my nephew) and Amanda (my niece) are both experiencing health issues that have their parents and all the family on our knees. I just keep praying that the respective doctors can find the answers needed to help. Trent is having seizures and Amanda is having constant migranes. They are both still in the major growth period of their lives, I keep hoping it is something tied to that and it will all level out the way it needs to. Mostly, I pray that their parents will be comforted, especially Trent's. Their family has already been through so much. I know their faith will stay strong but I also know that going through the refiners fire is the hardest part of life and I would like to see them have a chance to have a break from their fire for a while.
I miss my Momma, a lot! We have been gone now for a little over a month and there are times when I feel so homesick. I have my munchkins and sweetheart with me but yet I still feel homesick for the Gila Valley. Vernal is beautiful and the people here are wonderful, I just miss home. I know I will get over this soon and seeing Terry so happy and the kids so happy really does bring me joy. I am just having a hard time finding my niche. They are out doing and meeting people, I am here at home left with my thoughts. That is a dangerous thing for a person like me who already thinks too much.
Honestly, there are days when I am surrounded by my family and yet I feel completely alone. I turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, they are always there to listen to my ramblings, that helps get me through the day.
I wish I knew how to get my depressive nature to turn off at times. I believe it is Satan's greatest tool against me. I am so blessed and there are times when I feel so peaceful and joyful, yet it doesn't seem to last. Isn't it amazing how quickly the good can be pushed out by the bad?! Thank goodness for my testimony...I would have done something horrible a long time ago if I didn't have the knowledge that I have of who I am and where I want to be. I know in time I will once again be able to see the wonders and blessings that surround me. Right now I will keep praying, going to the Temple, reading my scriptures and trying to do what the Lord would have me do. If I keep doing those things this cloud I am living under will lift and I will see the light again.
Despite my inner struggles, I do know that Heavenly Father is with me. He has blessed our family so greatly and I can't deny that we are where we need to be and we wouldn't have made it this far without His help. I am so grateful for Terry's new job and seeing the joy he has in his work. I am grateful for the new schools that the kids are in. They are all so happy and progressing so well. I just can't believe how blessed we are!
~Sarah
It doesn't help any that my thyroid has been out of whack the last few days. I have been taking my meds like I should but I just keep crashing all the time. I have had to actually increase my dosage to 3x's a day, rather than the 1x I usually have to do. No worries, I use a herbal medication (since synthetic drugs don't like my body) and so I have a little more leeway. I have been using these drops for 2+ years now and usually they work great...hopefully I will get leveled out soon!
There seems to be a lot of trials happening to my extended family and that has me worried. Trent (my nephew) and Amanda (my niece) are both experiencing health issues that have their parents and all the family on our knees. I just keep praying that the respective doctors can find the answers needed to help. Trent is having seizures and Amanda is having constant migranes. They are both still in the major growth period of their lives, I keep hoping it is something tied to that and it will all level out the way it needs to. Mostly, I pray that their parents will be comforted, especially Trent's. Their family has already been through so much. I know their faith will stay strong but I also know that going through the refiners fire is the hardest part of life and I would like to see them have a chance to have a break from their fire for a while.
I miss my Momma, a lot! We have been gone now for a little over a month and there are times when I feel so homesick. I have my munchkins and sweetheart with me but yet I still feel homesick for the Gila Valley. Vernal is beautiful and the people here are wonderful, I just miss home. I know I will get over this soon and seeing Terry so happy and the kids so happy really does bring me joy. I am just having a hard time finding my niche. They are out doing and meeting people, I am here at home left with my thoughts. That is a dangerous thing for a person like me who already thinks too much.
Honestly, there are days when I am surrounded by my family and yet I feel completely alone. I turn to my Heavenly Father and my Savior, they are always there to listen to my ramblings, that helps get me through the day.
I wish I knew how to get my depressive nature to turn off at times. I believe it is Satan's greatest tool against me. I am so blessed and there are times when I feel so peaceful and joyful, yet it doesn't seem to last. Isn't it amazing how quickly the good can be pushed out by the bad?! Thank goodness for my testimony...I would have done something horrible a long time ago if I didn't have the knowledge that I have of who I am and where I want to be. I know in time I will once again be able to see the wonders and blessings that surround me. Right now I will keep praying, going to the Temple, reading my scriptures and trying to do what the Lord would have me do. If I keep doing those things this cloud I am living under will lift and I will see the light again.
Despite my inner struggles, I do know that Heavenly Father is with me. He has blessed our family so greatly and I can't deny that we are where we need to be and we wouldn't have made it this far without His help. I am so grateful for Terry's new job and seeing the joy he has in his work. I am grateful for the new schools that the kids are in. They are all so happy and progressing so well. I just can't believe how blessed we are!
~Sarah
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