I have come to realize that I am a ball of nerves most of the time. Actually, what I am is scared out of my mind all the time. I am scared of failing as a mother or scared of disappointing my parents or even scared to death of destroying someone elses testimony or life due to my lack of strength. Needless to say, I never feel good enough, strong enough or brave enough to accomplish the goals I have churning inside of me on a daily basis.
I see so much that I need to change about myself or in the way I handle certain things and yet when I go to implement the goals I have churning inside I don't stay focused and on track. This, of course, makes me feel like a failure and then I just throw my hands up and give up. There are so many people out there who just have this ability to push through these doubts and reach the goals they have. Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people.
This last week, as I have been running, I find myself afraid to leave my backyard. I fear others seeing me as I am exercising because I don't want them to see how hard it is for me. I get embarrassed at the thought that others will judge me and ridicule me. Honestly, this is one of the deepest anxieties of my heart. I can't tolerate the thought that someone is laughing at me or judging me, especially when they know nothing about me. I guess this stems back to the fact that I really don't feel good enough about myself and so maybe I am projecting my own self-doubt onto others?
I have been told all my life that I am a daughter of God and I know this is true and yet I feel so unworthy of it all the time. Every little decision I question myself on because I don't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father or let down my Savior. I worry all the time that I am not serving the way I should, I am not loving the way I should or that I am not living the way I should. Oh, how they must love me to put up with my downer attitude all the time!
The funny part is, there are many people out there who would have no idea this is what is going on inside of me. I have been told so often about how confident I seem and how faithful I am, so on and so on. When I hear comments like this my first thought is..."If you only knew!!" I put one foot in front of the other, I pray and I hope for better things but depression and self loathing is a battle I have each and every day.
I hope that someday I can see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me. I hope that someday I will feel worthy of the adoration and love my husband gives to me. I pray that someday I will feel my true worth as a daughter of God. Someday I will win this inner struggle and I will have the pleasure of turning my back on these thoughts forever. Yet, for now, I will keep praying, hoping and putting one foot in front of the other. What else can I do?! :-D
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
This is Why
I am a stay at home mom and you wouldn't believe the varying looks I get from people when they find out. They can range from sheer adoration down to utter sympathy and fear. I have been asked through words people have spoken and words people have not spoken why I stay home. Well, the answer to that question is a really simple one, I love my kids so much that I am willing to give up the things the world has to offer me for a much greater cause.
Being a SAHM is not an easy job and many times I find myself questioning my sanity, but when I see my children grow and progress in their lives it is all worth it. I don't get monitary recognition (other than my sweethearts paycheck. :-) and I don't get awards or certificates of congratulations. What I get is the ability to be a part of building the future of my family, church and country each and every day.
There are many articles and lists out there of the varied hats that a mother wears and believe you me I have worn most of them. However, each of those hats have taught me something but mostly they have taught me that I am never done learning and growing right along with my children.
I was a nanny for about a year and what I saw from those kids taught me a lot. I loved them and I believe they loved me, but when it came right down to it, nothing was more precious to them than being with their Mom. The nights when she would put them to bed would take twice as long because they just wanted time with her and enjoyed having her attention.
Now, their mother is a wonderful woman and loves her children deeply, but the path she chose was not one I wanted. She always felt inadequate because she wasn't practicing law anymore, due to medical complications with her twins, and she always had to find some project to do to keep her busy. The sad part was, the greatest project of all that she could be a part of she couldn't see.
Now, I have to say this, I know that there are many Mom's out there who need to work for varying reasons and I admire all that they do to try and keep their family's going on top of all else they need to do. I was raised by a working mom who worked hard to keep our family going, right along side of my Dad. She always did everything she could to make sure she was there for us kids and she was. I also have a sister who is raising her children on her own while holding down a very demanding job. All that she goes through and sacrifices for her family leaves me in awe and I admire her strength and determination. So no, I don't believe working moms are horrible people, quite the opposite actually.
I have been asked if I will get a job when my youngest is in school but I have to say no. My kids are getting older and even though they won't be home as often I need to be there even more to create an environment for them where they can find the peace and love they need to get them through their days. If the day comes when I need to go to work then I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now I am going to enjoy the moments (even the pull your hair out ones) that I am blessed with each and every day.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said a mom...guess some things never change in 20+ years! :-)
Being a SAHM is not an easy job and many times I find myself questioning my sanity, but when I see my children grow and progress in their lives it is all worth it. I don't get monitary recognition (other than my sweethearts paycheck. :-) and I don't get awards or certificates of congratulations. What I get is the ability to be a part of building the future of my family, church and country each and every day.
There are many articles and lists out there of the varied hats that a mother wears and believe you me I have worn most of them. However, each of those hats have taught me something but mostly they have taught me that I am never done learning and growing right along with my children.
I was a nanny for about a year and what I saw from those kids taught me a lot. I loved them and I believe they loved me, but when it came right down to it, nothing was more precious to them than being with their Mom. The nights when she would put them to bed would take twice as long because they just wanted time with her and enjoyed having her attention.
Now, their mother is a wonderful woman and loves her children deeply, but the path she chose was not one I wanted. She always felt inadequate because she wasn't practicing law anymore, due to medical complications with her twins, and she always had to find some project to do to keep her busy. The sad part was, the greatest project of all that she could be a part of she couldn't see.
Now, I have to say this, I know that there are many Mom's out there who need to work for varying reasons and I admire all that they do to try and keep their family's going on top of all else they need to do. I was raised by a working mom who worked hard to keep our family going, right along side of my Dad. She always did everything she could to make sure she was there for us kids and she was. I also have a sister who is raising her children on her own while holding down a very demanding job. All that she goes through and sacrifices for her family leaves me in awe and I admire her strength and determination. So no, I don't believe working moms are horrible people, quite the opposite actually.
I have been asked if I will get a job when my youngest is in school but I have to say no. My kids are getting older and even though they won't be home as often I need to be there even more to create an environment for them where they can find the peace and love they need to get them through their days. If the day comes when I need to go to work then I will cross that bridge when I get there, but for now I am going to enjoy the moments (even the pull your hair out ones) that I am blessed with each and every day.
When asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I always said a mom...guess some things never change in 20+ years! :-)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Left Behind
I see my kids growing up and beginning to grasp their own lives and much of the time I feel left behind. I know it will be much worse in say 5 or so years, but right now I am just trying to adjust to this new phase in our family dynamic.
Jackson left on a week long 50 mile hike with his scout troop and I almost started to cry as he left. I couldn't help but think...there goes my baby!! I still see him laying in his crib, using his pillow as a blanket and looking like such a sweet angel as he slept. Also, the times I would come around the corner and see him sitting on his bed, looking very serious, as he was trying so hard to read a book. My boy is growing into a young man, with his own ideas and opinions that he is not hesitant to express. Yes, his Mom is going to have to start growing up to keep up with him. :-)
I have been lost in my kids for so long that I often find myself wondering who I am and what do I have to offer. I guess I am beginning a new phase where I have to find myself again...this will be an interesting journey. Thankfully, I know I am not walking it alone. Terry is by my side and I know that my Heavenly Father is there to guide my way. Yet, I can't help but wonder what lies ahead on this new chapter in our lives...ready or not here it comes!! :-P
Jackson left on a week long 50 mile hike with his scout troop and I almost started to cry as he left. I couldn't help but think...there goes my baby!! I still see him laying in his crib, using his pillow as a blanket and looking like such a sweet angel as he slept. Also, the times I would come around the corner and see him sitting on his bed, looking very serious, as he was trying so hard to read a book. My boy is growing into a young man, with his own ideas and opinions that he is not hesitant to express. Yes, his Mom is going to have to start growing up to keep up with him. :-)
I have been lost in my kids for so long that I often find myself wondering who I am and what do I have to offer. I guess I am beginning a new phase where I have to find myself again...this will be an interesting journey. Thankfully, I know I am not walking it alone. Terry is by my side and I know that my Heavenly Father is there to guide my way. Yet, I can't help but wonder what lies ahead on this new chapter in our lives...ready or not here it comes!! :-P
Friday, July 8, 2011
So I Run...
I am still working through my depression but I think I am beginning to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I have been running for this last week, doing a program called Couch to 5K or c25k, I feel so good! It is a 9 week program to help train your body to be able to run 30 minutes or a 5k. You run/walk every other day for 3 days (the day in between is vital). You start out walking and then run for a little and then walk and so on. During the next weeks the running time increases slowly to the full 30 minutes of running.
That first day I thought I was going to die. My first bout of running went great but it slowly went downhill from there. I was begging to be finished about 5 seconds into my last run. The very last step of my run on that first day I almost didn't make it because my legs were like jelly. Thankfully I was down at the elementary school and so I had to stick it out because I couldn't just go in the house and give up. :-) I tell you I was so happy to get home that first day and the rest of the day I was sore, sore, sore!!
Getting out the door on the second day was pretty hard, mainly because I was convincing myself that I needed to keep going. While I am running I am listening to Christian music with voice cues to help me know when to switch between walking and running. The uplifting messages of the music have helped me to keep going and on the 2nd day of running I felt so great with what I had accomplished. I even wanted to run a little bit more when the cycle was completed. I was tired but not weak and that felt great.
Having that high of the 2nd day I started my 3rd cycle thinking...ah, this is going to be no problem. Ha! I had a really rough start, which reminded me of my 1st day. My legs got weak really quickly and I kept feeling like I wanted to give up. However, one of the songs came on that basically talks about how we run to make it home to our Savior and with the mountains in view and that song going through my head I found the motivation to keep going. The last run I was able to pick up the pace and by the end I felt great!
Next week the cycle goes from 60/90 to 90/120 (for 30 minutes). That is the number of seconds running/walking. I know for some that may seem like a very short amount of time for either activity but trust me, you feel it. Plus, the whole point of the program is to help those who really have not had any real running experience slowly grow to being able to do a 5k.
I don't know if I will ever run a race, I am mainly doing this to prove to myself that I can. Plus, I love to run...it makes me feel so free and it is actually very peaceful. I know there are some who don't understand this but it is how I feel about it. I will continue to pray that my Heavenly Father will give me the strength to continue moving forward. I have a long way to go but I am excited for the journey!!
That first day I thought I was going to die. My first bout of running went great but it slowly went downhill from there. I was begging to be finished about 5 seconds into my last run. The very last step of my run on that first day I almost didn't make it because my legs were like jelly. Thankfully I was down at the elementary school and so I had to stick it out because I couldn't just go in the house and give up. :-) I tell you I was so happy to get home that first day and the rest of the day I was sore, sore, sore!!
Getting out the door on the second day was pretty hard, mainly because I was convincing myself that I needed to keep going. While I am running I am listening to Christian music with voice cues to help me know when to switch between walking and running. The uplifting messages of the music have helped me to keep going and on the 2nd day of running I felt so great with what I had accomplished. I even wanted to run a little bit more when the cycle was completed. I was tired but not weak and that felt great.
Having that high of the 2nd day I started my 3rd cycle thinking...ah, this is going to be no problem. Ha! I had a really rough start, which reminded me of my 1st day. My legs got weak really quickly and I kept feeling like I wanted to give up. However, one of the songs came on that basically talks about how we run to make it home to our Savior and with the mountains in view and that song going through my head I found the motivation to keep going. The last run I was able to pick up the pace and by the end I felt great!
Next week the cycle goes from 60/90 to 90/120 (for 30 minutes). That is the number of seconds running/walking. I know for some that may seem like a very short amount of time for either activity but trust me, you feel it. Plus, the whole point of the program is to help those who really have not had any real running experience slowly grow to being able to do a 5k.
I don't know if I will ever run a race, I am mainly doing this to prove to myself that I can. Plus, I love to run...it makes me feel so free and it is actually very peaceful. I know there are some who don't understand this but it is how I feel about it. I will continue to pray that my Heavenly Father will give me the strength to continue moving forward. I have a long way to go but I am excited for the journey!!
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Will I Ever Get It Right?!
You know, I look around me and I can see just how blessed I really am and yet I tend to take those blessings for granted. Have you ever done that? Like, right now I have all 5 of my kids home, as well as my DH. Yet instead of playing a game with them or going for a family walk or something of that nature I am sitting here writing on my blog and frustrated beyond belief of every little thing my kids do.
Each and every day I am so blessed and I wonder how often I miss those blessings because I am so caught up in the muddle that everyday life can become. I guess we all face these moments but I seem to be dwelling on them more and more all the time. I find myself drawn to self-help books and ways to help improve my home, my family, my health and so much more. I guess I am just looking, searching for an answer to this lost feeling I have right now.
The #1 thought on my mind lately is what in the world am I going to do when Sammie starts school? We are going to try and get her into preschool this year. If we get into the one that I want (which is just down the street from our house) then it is only for 2 hours, 2 times a week. That isn't very long and yet I find myself terrified of being alone in the house for even just that short amount of time.
This of course leads to the fact that next year she will be in Kindergarten for 4 hours every day. Then that leads to in just 2 years I am going to be by myself for 6+ hours every single day for 9 months...Momma is not liking this!
I think I understand now why the stigma about parents having a hard time with their last child is true. It is true because this is probably the last time any of the events are going to happen in your life, as you being the parent. I didn't cry when Sammie was out of diapers. I didn't cry when I got rid of all the baby supplies and clothes. Yet now, knowing that I will no longer have her by my side during the day brings great sadness to me, more so than any of her brothers. Honestly, I am scared out of my wits!!
Well, I guess I need to grow up sometime, but I won't deny it is something that leaves me greatly unsettled at the moment. I will just keep praying for answers and hope that I am ready to head them when they come. However, I may never get used to not having my chatterbox around me daily!!
Each and every day I am so blessed and I wonder how often I miss those blessings because I am so caught up in the muddle that everyday life can become. I guess we all face these moments but I seem to be dwelling on them more and more all the time. I find myself drawn to self-help books and ways to help improve my home, my family, my health and so much more. I guess I am just looking, searching for an answer to this lost feeling I have right now.
The #1 thought on my mind lately is what in the world am I going to do when Sammie starts school? We are going to try and get her into preschool this year. If we get into the one that I want (which is just down the street from our house) then it is only for 2 hours, 2 times a week. That isn't very long and yet I find myself terrified of being alone in the house for even just that short amount of time.
This of course leads to the fact that next year she will be in Kindergarten for 4 hours every day. Then that leads to in just 2 years I am going to be by myself for 6+ hours every single day for 9 months...Momma is not liking this!
I think I understand now why the stigma about parents having a hard time with their last child is true. It is true because this is probably the last time any of the events are going to happen in your life, as you being the parent. I didn't cry when Sammie was out of diapers. I didn't cry when I got rid of all the baby supplies and clothes. Yet now, knowing that I will no longer have her by my side during the day brings great sadness to me, more so than any of her brothers. Honestly, I am scared out of my wits!!
Well, I guess I need to grow up sometime, but I won't deny it is something that leaves me greatly unsettled at the moment. I will just keep praying for answers and hope that I am ready to head them when they come. However, I may never get used to not having my chatterbox around me daily!!
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