Going on this weight loss journey has brought to light so many things but the biggest one is the fact that I am a person who lives in constant fear. I am afraid of looking like a fool in front of other people, therefore I make myself invisible by blending into the background as much as possible. What better way to do that then to live the life of a hermit and allow myself to gain just enough weight that I don't stand out either way.
I am terrified of letting other people down and so I try to not put myself into positions where other people have to rely on me too much. This is funny because I absolutely LOVE helping other people. Yet, I do tend to avoid situations where my help is overly obvious. I always have said I prefer to work behind the scenes...it is safer that way.
The biggest fear that hit me right between the eyes just the other day was the fact that I am truly afraid of being successful. That isn't to say that I don't want to be successful, it is just that I am afraid that someday I might be. I know this sounds strange but it hit me that I am afraid to succeed because if I do, what if I stumble and fall, just to end up right back where began. I have started and stopped so many things and I am realizing that each time I do and I start to see results of my work I begin sabotaging all my efforts in some way and end up either back where I started or even worse off. I am afraid to try one more time because I am afraid I will fail yet again. Yet, if I don't fail and do succeed have I set myself up for something that I am not ready to handle?! (I told you I was crazy! :-)
I am a person who is great at self criticizing but if someone else does it WATCH OUT! I already feel like what I do isn't good enough and so when someone else points out my mistakes it feels like I am just that much worse of a person and I get really upset. I tend to shut down and then shut everyone else out because it hurts so bad to think that someone sees me as such a failure. (These are the thoughts in my head, not necessarily what the other person is thinking.) I know this is a huge struggle of mine and I am trying to work on it but I won't deny that I have a long way to go.
Thank goodness my husband is such a patient man because he loves me inspite of all these struggles I have. Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and every day I tend to give a little half smile and try to change the subject as best I can. He tells me all the time that he hopes that someday I will believe him when he tells me that. I believe that he believes it but I just don't see it in myself. I don't feel beautiful and so it is hard to have someone tell you something like that when you feel anything but that. I do want to feel beautiful someday but today is not that day. I don't believe I deserve that praise from him and it is hard to accept praise when you don't feel worthy of it. I just hope that Terry will keep telling me that I am beautiful because I hope to someday believe him. :-)
