Going on this weight loss journey has brought to light so many things but the biggest one is the fact that I am a person who lives in constant fear. I am afraid of looking like a fool in front of other people, therefore I make myself invisible by blending into the background as much as possible. What better way to do that then to live the life of a hermit and allow myself to gain just enough weight that I don't stand out either way.
I am terrified of letting other people down and so I try to not put myself into positions where other people have to rely on me too much. This is funny because I absolutely LOVE helping other people. Yet, I do tend to avoid situations where my help is overly obvious. I always have said I prefer to work behind the scenes...it is safer that way.
The biggest fear that hit me right between the eyes just the other day was the fact that I am truly afraid of being successful. That isn't to say that I don't want to be successful, it is just that I am afraid that someday I might be. I know this sounds strange but it hit me that I am afraid to succeed because if I do, what if I stumble and fall, just to end up right back where began. I have started and stopped so many things and I am realizing that each time I do and I start to see results of my work I begin sabotaging all my efforts in some way and end up either back where I started or even worse off. I am afraid to try one more time because I am afraid I will fail yet again. Yet, if I don't fail and do succeed have I set myself up for something that I am not ready to handle?! (I told you I was crazy! :-)
I am a person who is great at self criticizing but if someone else does it WATCH OUT! I already feel like what I do isn't good enough and so when someone else points out my mistakes it feels like I am just that much worse of a person and I get really upset. I tend to shut down and then shut everyone else out because it hurts so bad to think that someone sees me as such a failure. (These are the thoughts in my head, not necessarily what the other person is thinking.) I know this is a huge struggle of mine and I am trying to work on it but I won't deny that I have a long way to go.
Thank goodness my husband is such a patient man because he loves me inspite of all these struggles I have. Everyday he tells me how beautiful I am and every day I tend to give a little half smile and try to change the subject as best I can. He tells me all the time that he hopes that someday I will believe him when he tells me that. I believe that he believes it but I just don't see it in myself. I don't feel beautiful and so it is hard to have someone tell you something like that when you feel anything but that. I do want to feel beautiful someday but today is not that day. I don't believe I deserve that praise from him and it is hard to accept praise when you don't feel worthy of it. I just hope that Terry will keep telling me that I am beautiful because I hope to someday believe him. :-)
Sarah, you ARE beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI heard a comment yesterday that Heavenly Father wants to give us according to our desires, so if he constantly hears us telling ourselves that we are ugly, that we are fat, that we are dumb, that we are a failure, then that's what we will get. Think about it: If our friends/family/acquaintances were to tell us the things we are constantly thinking about ourselves, we would punch them in the mouth!After he said that, I realized how negative I am about myself. He challenged us to find ways to compliment ourselves every day, and make a sincere effort to not run ourselves down. Find something about yourself that you love--your hair, your eyes, your smile, etc. and say, "Dang, I look GOOD!" Enjoy your God-given beauty. It's only conceit if you think you are more beautiful than someone else.
You deserve every bit of praise that Terry gives you!
You are truly beautiful to me outwardly, and your inner beauty is beyond description. You are such a calming influence in my life and the life of your siblings. It has amazed me how they all turn to you for your help in times of need. I agree with Charlene, you have got to learn to love yourself as much or more than you love others. I have and still fight this problem in my life, so I understand how you feel. The more I try to keep in the background the Lord calls me to be in front, and it is not my comfort zone. I love you and pray that you will come to know that Terry means what he says, he worships the ground you walk on. Mom
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