What is Beautiful?

I wasn't sure I was going to share this but I feel like I should.  So, for all of you who take the time to read this I hope you enjoy...at the most I hope you don't laugh at me.  :-P

I just finished reading the 2nd chapter of "Body Clutter" and it has posed some questions/situations to the reader and I am going to attempt to answer them.

~ "What is your image of beautiful?" 

Now if you are talking about my ultimate image of beautiful I would say a meadow surrounded by trees with mountains in the background and a stream running through it.  Also a soft cool breeze making the leaves of the trees dance.  A quiet, peaceful setting where someone can go to think and feel close to God.  That is my ultimate image of beautiful.

However, if we are talking about my thoughts on a beautiful body/person what I think of doesn't really apply to looks.  A vibrant smile on a person who holds herself with confidence but mostly shows kindness and love to all the people around her.  I see an inner beauty that reflects on anything and everything she does. 

This realization kind of surprised me in some ways.  I guess mainly because I am trying to overcome my weight issues right now and so I thought it would be focused more on the outward.  Maybe this shows me what I really want to work on...what I really want for myself.

~ The next thing to do is to list the diet schemes that I have tried, how I did with them and how I felt about them.

I haven't really ever done any diet schemes.  The main thing I do is stop eating the things I shouldn't be eating and up exercising...especially doing more outside.  I think that is why I have had such a hard time getting the weight off is mainly because I just wasn't eating what I should or eating consistently and also I haven't been consistent with my exercises.  Really no secret formula, just need to stay on top of taking care of my body.

~  Now I am supposed to go back to my teenage years and write down what I remember about my weight.

Boy oh boy, now this is a long story...a roller coaster of a ride really.  I think I first remember really beginning to gain weight when I was about 13 or 14.  I was kind of chubby before that but it didn't really seem important to me.  I do remember going to stay with my sister, Mary during the summer when I was 13 and I lost a lot of weight during that time.  Yet, when I came back home I put it back on pretty quickly.

I heard about my weight gain all the time from my family and of course what did that do but cause me to lean on the food more.  I felt alone in young women's and just downright awkward, which pretty much every person does at that age.  Food was my friend, it really was.  I felt rejected from every angle but the food never rejected me and so I clung to it.  When I was about 15 or 16 I worked really hard to lose weight and I went from the deplorable size of 22 down to a 14.  Let me tell you I felt amazing!  I have this memory of putting on one of my size 22 pants, after losing the weight and just having them fall to the ground.  I had to tell people about it because I was so excited.  I never got up to a 22 again but I still had fluctuations with my weight all through the rest of high school. 

When I left home to go to New York to be a nanny I was at a size 16 and while I was there I was eating right and exercising every day.  I felt amazing and I had so much energy.  I really began to find myself and loved every second of the journey (even when it was painful).  When I came home a year later I was down to like a size 12 and I felt so good about myself...physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I was really in a good place. 

A few months after I came back home I met Terry and with our whirlwind courtship and marriage, things just were amazing.  Again, I was working a lot and I ended up losing even more weight, so that when I got married I was actually down to a 184 pounds and at about a size 10/11.  Yes, I really felt good about myself.

Entering into my adulthood the weight gain stems from my pregnancy with Jackson.  I gained 60 lbs and have never lost it in almost 13 years.  At my worst weight I got up to 286 pounds (that is how big I was after Jonny was born) and I was ecstatic when I lost down to 245 at some point after Andrew was born.  I had pretty much been maintaining that weight for about 6 + years until a few months ago. 

I know I weigh less now but I am honestly afraid to buy a scale and find out just how much.  I am no longer in a size 20 and the size 18s are getting loose.  I just keep praying that I can get this weight under control and become so much healthier than I am.  The one thing I like right now is that I can look in the mirror and not gag at the reflection...I almost feel pretty again.

I think the one thing I like about the way I am doing it is that I am not trying to find some quick fix.  I am watching what I am eating, exercising and trying to find balance in my life.  This is not something I can conquer in one day, but hopefully I can keep putting one step in front of the other each and every day as I pray for the strength to keep going.  This is not an easy journey but this is a journey I need to take.  When I first started I was doing it for my kids, now I am doing this for myself as well.  I am 33 years old and I should be feeling on top of the world, not lying in bed wondering if I can stand to get up and face the day.  I don't want that life anymore...I deserve better!!