Living with Anxiety

I have come to realize that I am a ball of nerves most of the time.  Actually, what I am is scared out of my mind all the time.  I am scared of failing as a mother or scared of disappointing my parents or even scared to death of destroying someone elses testimony or life due to my lack of strength.  Needless to say, I never feel good enough, strong enough or brave enough to accomplish the goals I have churning inside of me on a daily basis.

I see so much that I need to change about myself or in the way I handle certain things and yet when I go to implement the goals I have churning inside I don't stay focused and on track.  This, of course, makes me feel like a failure and then I just throw my hands up and give up.  There are so many people out there who just have this ability to push through these doubts and reach the goals they have.  Honestly, I wish I could be one of those people.

This last week, as I have been running, I find myself afraid to leave my backyard.  I fear others seeing me as I am exercising because I don't want them to see how hard it is for me.  I get embarrassed at the thought that others will judge me and ridicule me.  Honestly, this is one of the deepest anxieties of my heart.  I can't tolerate the thought that someone is laughing at me or judging me, especially when they know nothing about me.  I guess this stems back to the fact that I really don't feel good enough about myself and so maybe I am projecting my own self-doubt onto others?

I have been told all my life that I am a daughter of God and I know this is true and yet I feel so unworthy of it all the time.  Every little decision I question myself on because I don't want to disappoint my Heavenly Father or let down my Savior.  I worry all the time that I am not serving the way I should, I am not loving the way I should or that I am not living the way I should.  Oh, how they must love me to put up with my downer attitude all the time! 

The funny part is, there are many people out there who would have no idea this is what is going on inside of me.  I have been told so often about how confident I seem and how faithful I am, so on and so on.  When I hear comments like this my first thought is..."If you only knew!!"  I put one foot in front of the other, I pray and I hope for better things but depression and self loathing is a battle I have each and every day. 

I hope that someday I can see myself as my Heavenly Father sees me.  I hope that someday I will feel worthy of the adoration and love my husband gives to me.  I pray that someday I will feel my true worth as a daughter of God.  Someday I will win this inner struggle and I will have the pleasure of turning my back on these thoughts forever.  Yet, for now, I will keep praying, hoping and putting one foot in front of the other.  What else can I do?!  :-D